here's some weird shit for the trout reader.


A "heartwarming" story of the advances of women in achieving equality
throughout the world...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked about 10
feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed
that men now walked  several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters
gleefully approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can
you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal
of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.


1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3) Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?
10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11) Is there another word for synonym?
12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
24) What was the best thing before sliced bread?
25) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are. 


Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a
local Neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the
officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he
could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a
few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of
other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started
the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night)
flicked the blinkers on, then? off, honked the horn and then switched
on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained still for a
few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the parking lot and
started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having
patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the
flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement
the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man
having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the
officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany
me To the Police station this breathalyser
equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the
designated decoy


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term.
The answer was so "profound" that the professor Shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying It as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,
(Gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or Some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: 

First, we need to Know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate That souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion,
we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me By Ms. Teresa Banyan
during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell Before I sleep with you.",
and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,
then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A" given.


Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for
your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows
and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentine's Day
you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your
wife or girlfriend that you really love them more than anything.

Now ladies, I'll let you in on a little secret: guys really don't enjoy this
that much. Sure, seeing that smile on your face when we get it
right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood,
sweat and consideration. Another secret: guys feel left out. That's
right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their
appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too
proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.

Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple,
effective and self-explanatory. This holiday has been created so
you ladies finally have a day to show your man just how much
you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town--
the name of the holiday explains it all... just a steak and a BJ. That's it.

Finally, this twin pair of Valentine's Day and Steak and Blowjob Day
will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much
harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a
perpetual love machine.

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it
needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and
help bring love and peace to this crazy world.


Subj: atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!  What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! he said
to himself.

As he was walking along side the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw
that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart
was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and
fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear
right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his
right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: Oh my God!.....

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light
shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: You deny my existence for
all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to
a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am
I to count you as a believer?

The Atheist looked directly into the light, It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
you make the BEAR a Christian?

Very well, said the voice.

The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and
bowed his head and spoke: Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive
and for which I am truly thankful.





  1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around

  several times, does he become disoriented?


  2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't

  people from Holland called Holes?


  3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a



  4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy



  5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


  6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?


  7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts"

  and you put your two cents in, what happens to the

  other penny?


  8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a



  9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't

  they just stale bread to begin with?


  10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it



  11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a

  pianist but a person who drives a race car not called

  a racist?


  12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?


  13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?


  14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?


  15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the

  English language. Could it be that "I do" is the

  longest sentence?


  16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,

  doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,

  musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,

  tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


  17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it

  Fed UP?


  18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


  19. What hair color do they put on the driver's

  licenses of bald men?


  20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the

  Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned 

  on me. They're cramming for their final exam.


  21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with

  tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do

  Chinese mothers use Toothpicks?


  22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the

  Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to

  them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the

  postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while

  they deliver the mail?


  23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then

  what exactly are the others here for?


  24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to



  25. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their

  team is winning.


  26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be

  if it didn't zigzag?


  27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.

  The mime next door went nuts.


  28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


  29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?


  30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00

  apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try

  spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.


  31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant

  like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?


  32. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as

  the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as

  the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


  33. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does

  that mean that one enjoys it?




1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours

b) Not a problem - she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetiser is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go to trout!


Not long ago a couple of dumb bitches wrote a book called “The Rules” which was intended to tell men what the rules are for dealing with women. It came of a little like “Mien Kompf.” In response, here are “The Rules” for dealing with guys … like trout, it’s a “Guy” thing:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl -- If it's up, put

it down.

2. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

3. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, deer hunting strategy, or the best fishing knot.

4 . Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it

that way.

5. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely ANYTHING you wear is fine.


6. Crying is blackmail.

7. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do

not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say


8. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a

calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

9. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any

good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your


10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

11 . Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's

what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

12. Check your oil, please!

13. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

14. If you won't dress like Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act

like soap opera guys, or those fairy men in your sex novels.

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

16. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done

not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during


19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two

months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your


21 . ALL men see is 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for

example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no

idea what mauve is.

22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of

mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

24. If we ask what is wrong, and you say "nothing", we will act like

nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it's really not worth the


25 . I AM in shape - ROUND is a shape.


Twenty-five things I have learned in 50 years

by Dave Barry

  1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

  2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

  3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

  4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

  5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

  6. A penny saved is worthless.

  7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

  8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

  9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

  10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

  11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

  12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

  13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

  14. Nobody is normal.

  15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:

  16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

  17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

  18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:

  19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

  20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

  21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

  22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

  23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often that individual is crazy.

  24. Your friends love you anyway.

  25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Ok, the last one is a fucking nausiating up-with-people-bullshit thing but the rest of them are pretty good.